Learning Each Other in Marriage: A Continuous Journey of Discovery
Marriage is often spoken of as a destination, but in reality, it is a continuous journey of learning and growth. Many couples go into a relationship believing they already know each other deeply and know what to expect. After all, they have dated, talked for long periods, and shared each other’s dreams and, most importantly, fallen in love.
Yet marriage has a way of humbling our expectations, revealing that knowing someone before a lifetime commitment and learning someone within that commitment are two very different experiences.
Unlearning Assumptions and Expectations in Marriage
Learning someone in marriage begins with unlearning assumptions and expectations. And I don’t mean lowering your standards to fit the other person’s inability to maintain balance. Before marriage, it is easy to love someone based on who we believe they are and who we hope they become.
Marriage removes that safety net of distance and exposes daily habits in relationships. Everyone comes from different homes and has been raised differently. It is normal to have zero tolerance for a person’s behavior.
But in marriage, you do not get to have zero tolerance—you compromise and meet in the middle.
The Reality of Daily Life for Newly Married Couples
Even when the littlest thing upsets you. Like why is the toilet seat open, why is the toothpaste being squeezed from the middle and not the bottom. Marriage will test your patience every day, especially if you are newly wed.
There will be emotional triggers and unspoken expectations, and suddenly love doesn’t seem to be just about chemistry, romance, and affection. It becomes about patience, adjustment, communication, and understanding.
The ability to communicate your needs to your partner and have them listen without any form of contradiction or dismissal—either emotionally or logically—is crucial. Disagreement is not a sign that love is failing; rather, it is becoming real.
A Real-Life Example: Learning Through Conflict
A couple just got married. It has been their dream to be wed, buy a house, and have babies. Weeks after the wedding, they start to experience what it’s like to live with another grown adult under the same roof.
The first argument happened over something small: food.
Not the price, not the cooking, just the way it was served.
Grace placed the plate in front of Daniel, proud of herself for making dinner for her husband after a long day. He glanced at it and said, casually, “Oh… I usually prefer my plantain less ripe.” She laughed as though trying to calm the awkwardness with humor. But Daniel was silent.
“Oh,” she said, pulling back the plate on the dining table. “You didn’t tell me.”
“I assumed you knew,” he replied.
That word “assume” sat between them like a third person at the table. Neither expected each other’s behavior.
Before marriage, moments like this never mattered. They ate out often, laughed through dates, and talked about big dreams—career, children, the future. Marriage, however, introduced them to the smaller things: the daily habits, preferences, moods, and silences that romance never prepared them for.
That night, Grace felt unappreciated. Daniel felt misunderstood. They went to bed facing opposite sides, both wondering how something so tiny could feel so heavy.
The Power of Communication and Apology in Marriage
The next morning, Daniel finally broke the silence. “I didn’t mean to sound ungrateful last night.”
Grace nodded but didn’t look up. “I thought I was doing something nice.”
“You were,” he said. “I’m just realizing I don’t know how to say things without being hurtful.”
That was the moment it clicked for both of them. This didn’t mean they were incompatible; it only revealed they were unfamiliar in new ways.
Over time, they learned each other’s pieces. They learned how to argue without attacking, how to apologize without making excuses, and how to listen without preparing a defense.
Understanding the Deeper Meaning Behind Small Conflicts
You might think something as small as an overripe plantain is not enough to cause an argument or silent treatment, and logically it shouldn’t be. But human needs and wants sometimes go beyond logic—even the smallest things can mean so much.
Marriage teaches you that love is not just about knowing someone’s favorite color or food. It’s about knowing how they react when tired, how they love when afraid, and how they need support when they don’t know how to ask for it.
Marriage is not about getting it right from the start—it’s about choosing every day to keep learning and loving each other with patience, grace, and love.
The Truth About Long-Term Marriage
Many people, when they see an old couple with years of marriage behind them, say things like, “It took a lot of forgiveness and tolerance to reach that stage.” They often mistake the concept of union and commitment.
While it takes a lot of forgiving and patience to stay in marriage long-term, it doesn’t mean you should forgive a cheating or abusive partner. If you deem your partner redeemable and worthy of forgiveness because they have proven they can change, then you can make whatever decision you think is best for you.
But you should not forgive your partner for unforgivable things because others do it and stay long in marriage and you also want to know how it feels.Marriage is too much of a long-term commitment to subject yourself to pain and suffering. Remember, we all only live once. It’s best we live it with people
Paying Attention to Your Partner’s Love Language
Marriage is a journey of shared experiences between couples. Learning each other in marriage means paying attention. People express love differently—what feels like care to one may feel invisible to the other. One person may need words of love and reassurance, while the other may only show love through actions and responsibilities.
Learning in marriage means asking questions and being willing to love in ways that may not come naturally to you at first. Love stops being about intention alone and starts being about impact.
Conflict as Part of the Marriage Curriculum
Conflict also plays a major role in marriage. It reveals how your partner handles silence, anger, stress, and disappointment—things that hide behind all the romance. But disagreements are not interruptions to the marriage journey; they are part of the curriculum.
Marriage should challenge couples to grow together rather than apart. Couples should recognize that growth is inevitable. People change, and life brings new responsibilities, pressures, and experiences that shape identity over time.
Learning in marriage does not have a finish line, and growing in love is a choice you make every day.
2 comments
This is beautiful! Whoever wrote this is a very matured and open minded person who really knows what marriage is all about. I will keep reading and waiting for your updates.
Thank you so much! Much love